There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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