Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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