My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
