a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
