I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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