Jerry, you need to find god
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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