Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
