after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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