Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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