Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
