My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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