If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
