I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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