Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Randomize
