I'm jealous of your bromance
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
