I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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