His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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