a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
