your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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