I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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