Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
