May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
