1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
