I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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