I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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