drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
