dude i'm inner monologue high
operation harelip BJ is a go
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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