He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
