I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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