Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize