I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
