You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
