i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
