Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
