I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
