I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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