My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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