Quick, to the slutcave!
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
