addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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