she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
