Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This is the high leading the old right now
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
