We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
