He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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