I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
