I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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