Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
