if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
