He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
