Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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