Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
