were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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