sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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