Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my being single is dangerous.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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