Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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