peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
