My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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