I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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