I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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