He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
