Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
