I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
